Marriage in Uganda

You may be wondering how marriage is related to building bikes. Well, its not, its just something i found intersting to write about because of its unique but interesting traditions.

May be by the time you get to the end of this blog you may pick out points that explain why these traditions may be responsible to the Africa's long standing vicious circle of Poverty.

Last week I went to my friends marriage parties. By the time you get to the bottom of this page you will know why parties not a party. I went with my Mzungu friends Tom,su, denis, and pieke. Their first Ugandan introduction ceremony turned out to be a bit of a surreal experience. Surreal because, at an event which is traditionally all about show and performance,ended up being exactly that. I somehow dragged them to be part of a discreet fly-on-the-wall spectators .The fact that they were going to be the only muzungus attending was a little interesting because of the"uncomfortable" stares.  In the end my mzungu friends only assigned task was to drink the traditional glass of milk offered by the bride’s family. Even this simple job which most of them utterly failed at, it being a bit too cow-y for their taste.  

This woke up my curiousity to write about the marriage rituals here in Uganda which I for one think are a bit weired and strange in many aspects. Its interesting to know  how common polygamy here continues to thrive. The muslim men are especially well known for having up to four wives, sometimes even more. Some men do have all of their wives at the same time. If they all live in one house there is much tension. Duh. So to have so many wives the man must be able to afford taking care of them and this usually requires giving each wife a place of her own. The main reason more men don’t keep more wives is because they can’t afford to. The men who have several wives aren’t usually involved with all of them at once. A person can be “married” here by just saying it out loud and living with the person. When you want a divorce you do the same thing. Divorce is socially unacceptable and embarrassing to admit, even less embarrassing than being one of many wives. Christians somewhat do not practice polygamy in Uganda. They have church weddings and wear rings on their fingers sometimes. For those men who have several wives they usually are having affairs that are considered wives and children are produced. Many times one of the wives with the biggest heart takes in all the children of the man as he usually runs off and so do some of the wives. I have seen this story over and over again. I used to live with an uncle who had six wives and seventy two children minus miscarriages, abortions and mortalities. His first wife who happened to be the "Big heart" one had taken me  in as well since i had lost both my parents. God bless those women who take in children not their own, especially in this culture where it is nearly impossible for a single woman to get enough food to feed them and clothes to keep them covered.

The government never gets involved with a marriage. There’s more pressing issues to worry about than “legal” marriage so when a person wants a divorce there is no process to endure. A divorce is usually a man taking off and never seeing his kids again. Only the people with a lot of money (to protect) will use the legal system to divorce. Traditional marriages here are fascinating. The entire courtship is formal and it follows a strict process. When a girl is interested in a man , it not approppriete to initiate the relationship. She has to wait for the man to declare he loves her (which is kinda true in many cultures but here its" far more true"). If you are a man and a woman tells you first that she loved you, there is a lot of name calling/assumptions associated with this. The man needs to hunt for his wife and win or he is not a man. Once the couple agrees they have mutual feelings the relationship is kept secret from the family. She is not even supposed to mention that she is interested in him. When he comes around to meet the family it is only as a friend. This is because there is a formal introduction ceremony where the man is to meet her family for the first time. Prior to that ceremony the man goes to have a meeting with her father to request his daughter. The father raises a daughter here expecting a bride price to be paid when she is given away. The traditional price are cows …nowadays its cash. If the girl is from different areas the bride price could vary… five cows or as many as a hundred for the girls who come from rich background. One good breed cow costs about five hundred American dollars and that’s a large sum for a man here to acquire.  The father has the right to ask for anything he wants for his daughter. Many will ask for a cow, a goat and some chickens. Others will ask for practical items along with the cow, like money. 
All the while a father is raising his daughter he is considering what he will ask for her because it is one way for a common person to become rich. Cows in this country are the standard for measuring wealth. If you have a lot of cows, you have more respect from the community. It represents wealth. So, when a young man and her father agree on the price the engagement is set. The next step is for him to gather the bride price and they set the introduction ceremony date. Her family hosts the Introduction event. The introduction is usually a month before the actual wedding and it is as formal as the wedding where everyone is dressed in traditional Ugandan attire. The man brings the bride price to the father. He arrives with the cow on a rope or its equivalent behind him and hands it over to the father as a symbol of promise to replace the precious loss the family will endure. Girls here work hard i.e attain education and the family will use this as a bargaining tool to get a higher bride price. When a family does not like a young man they will set the bride price way beyond his ability to provide. I would call that meddling they call it fair. If the girl really loves her man she will plead with her father to reduce the price because he doesn’t have any money to give such a high price and sometimes this works. Because of the bride price girls are more desirable to produce here than boys.

Partying!

Introduction (The Engagement party US equivalent)

In Uganda the introduction is traditionally far more important than the wedding itself, reflecting perhaps how pragmatism rather than romance is the dominant theme. During the ceremony, a complicated pre-nuptial agreement is symbolically signed between the two families, setting out the terms under which marriage is to take place. Critical of course is the bride price (an ‘insurance policy’ is apparently a less sexist way of looking at it) which is usually agreed in terms of alcohol, cows and money. The two families and their friends sit opposite each other in large decorated shelters if any. Each has an (MC” with/without a microphone who has been hired to do the negotiating. The MCs prattle on, cracking jokes, having little digs at each other and generally keeping everyone entertained. The negotiations are interspersed with a booming soundtrack of East African pop, country or western and the inescapable Celine Dion. The bit thats a little more interesting is  when three different groups of beautifully dressed girls are brought in the arena – first some shy little ones, then some timid teenagers, then finally some elegant ladies – and the groom has to say among all of them who was his betrothed by putting a bead necklace around her neck or an engagement ring on her fingure among the well off families. I always wonder what would happen if he gets it wrong. This is my own culture mind u. lol With a little inbuilt evil stubborn self; i think i would want to try it someday and see what happens (joke!). The sad part to all this is the idea that the husband often feels he purchased the wife as a commodity thus some women end up in abusive marriages but feel obligated to stay. For if they ever decide to leave the man is entitled to a bride price refund. Usually she is also pressured by her parents to stay because they often use up all the resources they received in exchange for their daughter immediately coz of the unending poverty. Her divorce puts them at an odd angle thus they opt for her to stay no matter what the circumstances. 

 Finally, there is always a full throttle party with food drinks and blasting music through out the night ofcourse.

Day b4 wedding:

At the grooms house… full throttle party with food drinks and blasting music through out the night. The equivalent to bachelors party (may be no strippers or prostitutes but something close).

At the brides house: full throttle party with food drinks and blasting music through out the village night. They call it the give away party where the  brides friends and family come together to wish her good luck.

Wedding Day:

This is usually the next day. The groom gets to church first and nervously wait to receive his wife to be. The father inlaw usually does the handing over. If he is far away or deceased, an uncle or a brother takes the honor.

Furthermore, a small portion of dowry/bride price is dedicated to buying give away gifts. So if you ever see a truck full of items like matresses, beds, couches, pans, cows etc tailgating the Newly-wed Car now you know that’s the brides give away gifts. They are supposed to give the newly weds a kick start to a new life.

Divorce

·         No legalities involved most of the time

·         In times of disagreements beyond repair, You just wake up and leave.

·         No such a thing as going to court for the most part. Of course there is exceptions….the Rich!